There was a time when I used to think to myself “Hey self, you wear glasses, so you sort of get a free pass into not looking homeless because, let’s face it, homeless people don’t just go to Lens Crafters and pick up some new specs, right?”
There was a time at work when, I don’t know, maybe I had a beard, and maybe my hair wasn’t kept up, and maybe … just maybe … I didn’t really care. It was at that time that someone mentioned that maybe I looked like I could be a person who would also, on the side, sell drugs.
So, I’m more clean shaven now, but you know what? I’m a classy guy! BUT I WANT TO BE MORE CLASSY! I want some grey hair, but just on the sides, not like all over, y’know?
Look, there’s nothing wrong with going all grey, you can still be an icon of grace, finesse, and don’t-mess-with-me-icity. But you better have a beard. And consider technologically advanced weaponry. And, for goodness sake, get some extra midichlorians.
But I’m just going for something that says “look at this guy’s majestic silver stripes, don’t they just lend a mad air of sophistication about this gent?” or even “Great Odin’s Beard! If this guy isn’t all Jack-Kirby-era Reed Richards, then why do I feel all topsy-turvy on my insides?”
So here is about the best thing I found because I want this to be natural (any corn dog out there can buy spray paint and also maybe some cardboard to protect his face, but this has to be the real deal).
Basically the best bet is to :
- Get older – By nature of being currently not dead, I’m checking this item off my list every single day.
- Have the correct genes – Cannot affect this too much (well … not with the current state of science).
- Start smoking – This is the #1 thing I can get behind. Not a lot of people take up smoking in their 30s, but when do you see a classy bloke who isn’t smoking in your daydreams anyways?
- Stress more – Doable, but not preferable.
- Medical stuff outside my area of expertise – It even says that if you have chemo-grey (an excellent band name, or maybe chemo-grey dot tumbler dot com) that it will turn back normal after a while, so no dice there.
So there you go. I guess I need to start smoking, but then when I get the grey on the sides, just stop.